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Rochester
New member
Username: Rochester
Post Number: 2
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Thursday, June 22, 2006 - 02:34 pm: |   |
Two men were out one night, drinking beer. One man said, "It's about time I was heading back. My wife will be pissed if I'm out too late."
His friend said, "You don't have to go home right now. Let's drink some more beer, and when you get home, just go in without saying a word, and give her oral sex. She won't nag you about being out late."
"Ok, that sounds like a plan. Let's drink some more beer!"
Several hours later, the men finish their drinking session and go home. It's after midnight. The man takes his friend's advice. He walks into the house, relieved to see his wife is not waiting up to yell at him.
He walks into the bedroom without saying a word, and gives her oral sex. Obviously she enjoys it very much.
When he's finished, he decides he has to go and drain the lizard, so he goes to the bathroom, and is shocked to find his wife there! How could she have flanked him without him noticing?
While his inebriated brain is trying to process this turn of events, his wife says, "I see you were out drinking again. (sigh) Never mind, I'm not going to make an issue out of it. I don't want to wake up my mother, she's staying with us tonight....." |
Rochester
New member
Username: Rochester
Post Number: 3
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Thursday, June 22, 2006 - 02:38 pm: | |
(I have some more dirty jokes posted at: http://www.ficsforum .net/messages/32/917 .html?1146714434 - and some not-so-dirty ones at http://www.ficsforum .net/messages/33/386 .html?1115608755 - not all of the jokes at this last one are mine, but they're all pretty funny.) |
Rochester
New member
Username: Rochester
Post Number: 4
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Friday, July 07, 2006 - 10:32 am: | |
Little Johnny wandered into the kitchen one morning while his father was reading the newspaper. Johnny picked up the front section of the paper, looked at it for a moment, and said, "Dad, what's politics?"
Dad tried to explain it, but couldn't make Johnny understand. After a few failed tries, he said, "Think of it this way. I run the house, so think of me as management. Your mother gets most of the money, so she's the government. The maid is the working class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future."
Johnny is still somewhat puzzled, but walks away to think it over for awhile.
That night, Johnny heard his baby brother crying. He went to check on him, and found that he had soiled his diapers. Johnny went off to tell his mother about it, but she was asleep. He went to tell his father, but he found his father having sex with the maid.
The next morning, Johnny walked into the kitchen again and told his father, "I think I understand politics now."
Dad says, "Really? That's great! Now, let me hear you explain it in your own words."
Johnny said, "The management is fucking the working class, while the government is asleep, the people are ignored, and the future is full of shit." |
Rochester
New member
Username: Rochester
Post Number: 5
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Monday, July 10, 2006 - 12:17 am: | |
Little Johnny asked his father one day, "What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?"
His father thought for a moment, and said "Come with me." They went to Johnny's mother's bedroom, where she was sleeping, naked. Johnny's father pointed, and said, in a low voice, "See there? That's a pussy."
Johnny, fascinated, reached out a hand to touch it. His father whispered, "Don't touch it, you'll wake the cunt." |
Rochester
Junior Member
Username: Rochester
Post Number: 6
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 16, 2006 - 01:01 pm: | |
On a rural road in the middle of nowhere, two priests stood by the road. One held a sign that said "The end is near!" The other held a sign that said "Turn back now!"
A car came down the road, the the priests started shouting at the car, trying to get the driver's attention. The driver flipped them the bird, and with a shout of "Don't preach to me, assholes!" sped right on by.
Then the priests heard a screech and a splash.
One priest turned to the other and said, "See, I told you we should have just put 'Bridge Out'!" |
Rochester
Junior Member
Username: Rochester
Post Number: 7
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, September 19, 2006 - 05:28 pm: | |
Little Johnny caught a stomach bug just before the last week of school before summer vacation, and he missed the final exam on June 16*, the last day of school.
He had done reasonably well that year, so his teacher suggested that Johnny's father bring him in to school on the 17th, and she would give him an oral final exam. The principal signed off on it.
Johnny and his father came to school on the 17th. They entered the classroom. Johnny sat down, and his father went to the back of the room and waited.
Johnny's teacher said, "What does a cow have four of, that I have only two of?"
Johnny said, "Legs."
"What do you have in your pants, that I do not have in my pants?"
Johnny said, "Pockets."
"What is the capital of California?"
Johnny said, "Sacramento."
Satisfied, and in a hurry to join the rest of the teachers in the lounge celebrating 2 1/2 months of freedom, the teacher wrote down that Johnny had passed the test. As Johnny and his father left the room, she heard the father say: "Johnny, you did better than I would have. I got the first two wrong!"
* - The date is an inside joke |
Rochester
Junior Member
Username: Rochester
Post Number: 8
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Monday, October 02, 2006 - 05:34 pm: | |
Thanks to RJJ for this joke.
The flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch." |
Rochester
Junior Member
Username: Rochester
Post Number: 9
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, October 08, 2006 - 05:48 pm: | |
A mounted policeman said to Little Johnny, "That's a nice bicycle. Did Santa Claus give it to you for Christmas?"
Johnny said, "Yes, he did."
The policeman said, "Next time, tell him to put a reflector on the back! I'm going to have to write you a ticket."
Johnny said, "That's a nice horse you're riding. Did Santa Claus bring him to you for Christmas?"
The policeman, still writing the ticket, said, "Yes, he sure did."
Johnny said, "Next time, tell him that the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top." |
Rochester
Junior Member
Username: Rochester
Post Number: 10
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Thursday, October 12, 2006 - 08:09 pm: | |
Twelve Catholic men went through priest school together. At the end of their years of training, they passed their written test. After the test was done, the bishop came to see them. He said, "There is one more test you must pass before you are ready to become priests." The bishop told the assembled men to strip naked and follow him to the next room. They did so.
In the next room, the bishop took a cardboard box down from the highest shelf, and took from it a handful of ribbons, with a small bell on the end of each. He went from man to man, tying a ribbon loosely around each man's penis. When he was done, he said, "I'm going to bring a naked woman in here. She is going to dance in front of each of you. If your bell rings, you are not yet ready to become a priest."
The bishop left, and returned a moment later with the naked woman. She walked up to the first man and danced in front of him. He just stood there - no reaction.
She went to the second man, and got no reaction. She got no reaction from the third, fourth, etc. - on up to the eleventh man. Then she went to dance in front of the twelfth man, and he popped up so fast the ribbon came off his penis entirely, and fell to the floor a few feet in front of him.
This man, naturally embarrassed at having failed the test, walked forward two steps, and bent over to pick up the ribbon and bell.
Then all the other bells started to ring.... |
Rochester
Member
Username: Rochester
Post Number: 11
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Monday, November 06, 2006 - 03:01 pm: | |
A man went to see a magician, with an unusual problem: "My penis is 22 inches long, it's too big! Can you do anything to shrink it down a little?"
The magician thought for a moment, and said, "Here's what you do: Take this potion, drink half of it, then go and find a cat and make the cat drink the rest of it. Then, ask the cat to marry you. Every time the cat says 'no', you'll lose four inches." The magician cast a spell over the potion and handed it to the man.
On his way home, the man stopped in an alley and picked up a cat.
When he got home, he drank half of the potion, and mixed the rest in with some milk, and fed it to the cat. The cat slurped it up eagerly. Then, he dropped his pants, and said, "Cat, will you marry me?"
The cat found a human voice and said "No!" Poof! In a puff of ozone, the man saw that his penis had become four inches shorter. He had doubted that it would work, but it had.
Again, he said, "Cat, will you marry me?" Again, the cat said, "No!" Poof! Another puff of ozone and the man saw that he was now 14 inches long. He thought to himself, "Once more ought to be enough." Once more, he said, "Cat, will you marry me?"
This time, the cat said, "How many times do I have to tell you? No! No! No!" |
Rochester
Member
Username: Rochester
Post Number: 12
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Friday, November 10, 2006 - 08:34 pm: | |
The new students at medical school began their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. The professor gathered them around the table where there was a body covered by a white sheet.
The professor began to speak. "In the world of medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first trait is that you must not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." The professor pulled back the sheet, rolled the corpse over, and stuck his finger in the corpse's butt. Then he pulled his finger back out and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Now, try it yourselves," he told the assembled students. The students appeared revolted, not at all eager to do it, but the most courageous among them stuck his finger into the corpse's butt and then withdrew his finger and sucked on it, and after he did, all the others followed and did the same.
When everyone had finished, the professor looked at them and began to speak again. "The second most important quality is observation. I put my middle finger in the cadaver's rectum and my index finger in my mouth." |
Rochester
Member
Username: Rochester
Post Number: 13
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Saturday, November 18, 2006 - 11:07 am: | |
After being at sea for several months, the Navy ship was approaching its home port, and the sailors were ready for a break. As the ship drew within half a mile of the dock, the captain looked out over the deck and saw one sailor standing by the railing, holding the two semaphore flags and flashing signals to someone on shore.
The captain looked through his binoculars, and saw that there was a woman on shore, also holding semaphore flags, and returning signals to the sailor on the ship.
The captain noticed that the sailor was simply giving the letters "F F" over and over again. The woman on shore was giving the letters "E F" over and over again.
Concerned about a possible breach of security, the captain walked over to the sailor and asked him who he was signaling and why.
The sailor said. "That's my girl-friend over there. She wants to eat first!" |
Wir
Senior Member
Username: Wir
Post Number: 131
Registered: 11-2004
| | Posted on Sunday, November 19, 2006 - 10:23 am: | |
That was a good one :D
Two Russians are travelling in Siberia, carrying a huge brown bear on a stick. Then they met an American.
Curious, the American asks simply: "Grizzly?"
And he got answer: "Net, streljali." |
Rochester
Member
Username: Rochester
Post Number: 15
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, December 19, 2006 - 02:12 pm: | |
A man went to the pet store and saw a parrot 75% off. The clerk told him, "This parrot knows nothing but curse words. It swears like a sailor all day and all night. It has been returned twice."
The man bought the parrot, saying "Maybe I can break him of the habit."
When he got home, he put the parrot cage in the corner. Within a few minutes, the parrot was cursing up a storm, squalling at the top of its little lungs, antagonizing the cat, and so on. The man said, "Shut up or I'll put you in the freezer until you calm down!"
The parrot continued to swear at its new owner.
So, the man took the cage and stuck it in the freezer, while the parrot became more and more agitated. The parrot continued to scream and curse for three minutes in the freezer, then it abruptly fell silent.
Thinking he might have hurt the parrot, the man opened the freezer and removed the cage. The parrot was apparently unharmed but it was silent. After a moment, it spoke softly: "I sincerely apologize for my recent verbal abuse. May I please ask, what did the turkey do?" |
Rochester
Member
Username: Rochester
Post Number: 16
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 20, 2006 - 07:37 pm: | |
A game warden stops a hunter coming out of the woods. The hunter is holding three ducks. The warden thinks maybe he'll get to bust him, so he asks to inspect the ducks.
He examines the first duck, and sticks his finger up the duck's butt. He thinks and says "This is an Indiana duck. Do you have an Indiana hunting license?" The hunter gets his wallet and produces an Indiana hunting license.
The warden examines the second duck, and sticks his finger up the duck's butt. He says "This is an Ohio duck. Do you have an Ohio hunting license?" The hunter, still holding the wallet, produces an Ohio hunting license.
The warden then examines the third duck, and sticks his finger up the duck's butt. He says "This is a Michigan duck! Do you have a Michigan hunting license?" Once again, the hunter produces a Michigan hunting license.
Frustrated at having struck out, the game warden returns the ducks and says "Where the hell are you from, anyway?" The hunter turns around, pulls down his pants and bends over saying "You tell me!" |
Rochester
Member
Username: Rochester
Post Number: 17
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Tuesday, January 09, 2007 - 07:30 pm: | |
Two Catholic priests were at the urinals. One of them noticed the other one had a nicotine patch on his penis. He said, "I think you're supposed to put those on your arm, not on your penis."
The other one said, "It seems to be working. I'm down to just two butts a day." |
Fanaticism
New member
Username: Fanaticism
Post Number: 3
Registered: 12-2006
| | Posted on Monday, January 22, 2007 - 03:37 pm: | |
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. "
The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?
"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... " |
Rochester
Member
Username: Rochester
Post Number: 18
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, February 25, 2007 - 09:18 pm: | |
A 50-year-old woman placed an ad in the singles section of her local newspaper. She described her ideal man as "Must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must be good in bed."
A few days later, her doorbell rang. She went to answer it and found an older gent with no arms and no legs. He said, "Hello, I've come about your ad."
She looked at him doubtfully, and said, "You've got no arms!"
He said, "Therefore, I can't beat you."
"You've got no legs!"
"And I can't run around on you."
She couldn't think of any way around that. Then she said, "OK, but are you good in bed?"
He replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" |
Rochester
Member
Username: Rochester
Post Number: 19
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Friday, April 13, 2007 - 10:31 pm: | |
A woman went to the pet store one day. She looked at all the dogs and cats and other animals they had, until she came to the back, where she found a biggish gray and white cat. The clerk told her, "This is a special kitty. She's very cute, but not very smart. But, she's trained to give blow jobs."
She thought about it for a moment, and figured that if she could get the cat to blow her husband, she might never have to perform a blow job herself ever again. She took the cat home.
She introduced the cat to her husband. "She's very cute, but not very smart. But she can perform blow jobs." Her husband laughed it off.
She left the two of them to get acquainted while she went upstairs to take a bath. When she'd finished, she came back down, hearing the sounds of clanking from the kitchen. Pots and pans being moved around, with the occasional meow.
She entered the kitchen, to find her husband with a bunch of kitchen equipment, foodstuffs, utensils, and ingredients. The cat was on the counter, examining some of the objects.
Her husband looked and said, "If I can teach this cat to cook, your ass is GONE!" |
Rochester
Member
Username: Rochester
Post Number: 20
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Friday, April 27, 2007 - 11:22 pm: | |
In rural West Virginia, a 15-year-old girl went to her brother and said, "Hey, you want to go fool around in the barn?"
Her brother said "Eww! I can't do that, you're my sister!"
She said, "Come on anyways, it will be fun."
He did so.
While they were fooling around, she told him, "You know, you're a lot lighter than Dad!"
He said "Yeah, I know, Mom told me." |
Rochester
Intermediate Member
Username: Rochester
Post Number: 21
Registered: 06-2006
| | Posted on Friday, April 27, 2007 - 11:38 pm: | |
Chicago businessman Peter had both a very prosperous business and a very horny wife, Diane. One day, he decided that next day, he would have to go to Milwaukee to close a new deal, and he thought he would get Diane a dildo to keep her occupied until he came home.
On the way home from work, he stopped at the local sex shop and asked the proprietor about dildos. He showed him some, but one that really caught his attention was one in a plain green cardboard box. This particular dildo had been imported from the Carribbean. The proprietor described it as the "voodoo dick."
He said, "Whenever you want it to go somewhere, say 'Voodoo dick' and then say where you want it to go. Here, watch this....Voodoo dick, the door!"
The dildo floated out of the box and went straight for the door, where it began humping the keyhole.
Peter watched it, amazed, for half a minute. The proprietor said, "Go on, try it!" So Peter said, "Voodoo dick, the vending machine!" No sooner had he spoke than the dildo abandoned the door and floated to the vending machine, where it began to molest the space where the cola cans came out.
Impressed, Peter said he'd take it. The proprietor said, "Voodoo dick, get back in the box!" It obeyed, settling into its box and becoming quiescent once more. Peter took it home.
He said, "Hey Diane, I'm going to Milwaukee tomorrow, but I got you something to keep you occupied. Take a look!" He showed her the voodoo dick, and explained to her how to use it.
Early the next morning, he got on the train and left for Milwaukee. Later, after Diane had eaten breakfast, she started feeling horny, and decided to give the dildo a try. She opened the box, and said, "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" It sprang into action and started pleasuring her.
She enjoyed it for awhile, and then decided she'd had enough for that morning. She tried to pull it out, but she found that she could not. Peter had not told her how to get it to stop!
She tried to call him, but he was in the meeting and unresponsive. She decided she had better go to the hospital. So, with the dildo still inside her doing its thing, she got in the car and drove away.
Halfway there, in moderate mid-morning traffic, the voodoo dick gave her another orgasm, which caught her totally by surprise. She swerved into the opposite lanes and missed hitting an oncoming car by about six inches. A cop was less than a hundred yards away, and immediately turned on his flashers and pulled Diane over.
The cop appeared tired, and asked for Diane's license and registration. "What was that stunt all about?" he said. "You damn near caused a wreck." Diane told him about the voodoo dick.
The cop began writing out the ticket. He said wearily, "I'll give you credit for originality, but your story is ridiculous. Voodoo dick, my ass!" |
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